


Through the Walls

by HanBan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, College, M/M, but not really angst, more like existencial crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-03 08:24:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10963416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HanBan/pseuds/HanBan
Summary: Phil and Louise are Dan's college flat mates and everything seems fine - until one night, Phil hears Dan cry....





	1. The Move

**Author's Note:**

> A gigantic THANK YOU to my beta TsingaDark who saved you guys from my terrible spelling and just helped me a lot <3  
> I'm gonna try upload new chapters weekly so that you won't have to wait for too long, but I cannot promise anything...

Of course his flat had to be on the 4th floor.  
And of course the elevator didn't work – that would have been too easy.  
And why have an easy start to something that was bound to be dreadful anyway?

Dan panted and put down the box of suddenly very heavy clothes on the next landing, not quite sure he'd make it to the end as he slowly caught his breath.  
He was just about to give up and just break down right there and then on the middle of the stairs when he heard someone coming down the steps.  
Quickly he lifted his box and continued his way upstairs, not wanting to seem like a weak loser in front of a possible classmate – not yet anyway.  
However, he only managed to heave the box about two steps further when it suddenly felt a lot lighter.  
Dan let out a surprised huff as he saw black hair and bright blue eyes looking at him over the cardboard edges.

“Here, let me help you with that,” said a muffled but charming voice and without awaiting Dan's response the other guy went backwards while continuing, “They should really fix that stupid elevator sometime soon. They said it'd be done by the start of the semester but obviously, they haven't checked their calendars...Don't worry, you're not the first one I had to save from death by exhaustion today, no human who hasn't been bitten by a radioactive spider can make it up these stairs further than the 2nd floor, let alone carrying these damn boxes. 'til where do you have to survive?”

Dan had been so surprised by the friendly stranger that he simply went with it and stumbled up the stairs, barely catching up with what the boy behind the box was saying, but now he noticed the change in tone and realised he was expected to answer.  
“Oh, ehm...4th floor.”  
“Alright, only one and a half more to go then! Just tell me if you need a break, okay?”  
He just managed to nod, hoping the black-haired boy could see enough of his face to notice the response. Apparently he did because he kept on talking just a moment later.  
“Oh hey, if you're on the 4th floor that means we'll be floormates! Which flat are you in?”  
Dan shifted the weight slightly to get around the next landing's corner before answering: “Number 7.”

Hard cardboard collided with his stomach as the boy in front of him came to a sudden stop.  
“No way! Me too!”  
He had just opened his mouth to voice the sharp pain the other had caused him (very politely of course) but closed it again at hearing that information.  
“That's...great.”  
Hopefully it wasn't too obvious how half-hearted his delight was. What else was he supposed to say?  
'Shit, I don't think I can handle such a handsome person every morning'?  
Sure, he could barely see the other boy, but those little yellow sparks in his eyes were pretty beautiful and he seemed fairly strong, judging by the lacking weight in Dan's hands. Plus, that northern accent was just adorable. 

But no, he couldn't possibly out himself only five minutes after meeting his new flatmate. Let alone make a move on someone he'd have to live with for at least one year. So instead he just smiled and repeated, “That's great.” This time a bit more convincing.

And as an afterthought he added, “I'm Dan, by the way.”  
“Oh yeah, right, names. I'm Phil”  
He giggled at his own dopiness, and it was just about the most contagious sound Dan had ever heard, making him join immediately so that the two of them barely managed to put down the shaking box in time to give in to a spontaneous and probably very stupid looking fit of laughter, holding their tummies, leaning against the walls for support and only stopping about two minutes later when they looked at each other with one last grin. 

Phil turned around, walking up to the second door to their right.  
“Welcome to your new home, Dan!” he exclaimed as he opened the door.

Once all of Dan's stuff was inside – Phil insisted on them carrying all three boxes them together – he finally took the time to look around properly.  
It wasn't gigantic but he had expected worse. Kitchen and living room were one big open space from which five doors led to what he figured were their three bedrooms, and two other rooms that Phil presented as a toilet and a small bathroom with a shower.  
The entire space was filled with boxes but Dan could also see a TV, a sofa and a small table with two chairs in the corner of the kitchen.

“It's nice,” he said, turning around to Phil again.  
“I'm glad you like it. Now, Louise and I have already picked our rooms but of course we can always change them if you want to.”  
“Louise?” He wasn't quite sure why – the website had never stated anything about gender-divided flats – but somehow he had expected to live with two other guys.  
“Yeah, she's our third roommate – and she just so happens to be my best friend, too.”

“Phil, is that you?” came a voice from behind one of the doors before it opened and a girl at about Dan's age with blonde hair and a big smile stepped out.  
Phil turned around and chuckled. “Speaking of the devil! Louise, this is our flatmate Dan. Dan, Louise.”  
She climbed over the mountain of stuff lying around before greeting Dan with a warm handshake and an even bigger smile. “It's very nice to meet you, Dan.  
Did you make it up the stairs alright? Can we help you carry anything?”  
Phil put an arm around her shoulder before answering in Dan's name. “Not any more, already played his knight in shining armour.”  
He winked at Dan, who blushed immediately “I'm surprised you didn't hear us before, we've been in and out a billion times.”

They seemed nice, Dan thought. And really close.  
For a second he wondered if they had something going on but then he figured Phil wouldn't have introduced her as his best friend if they did.  
So nice it was.

“Dan?” Louise's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.  
“Hmm? Sorry, what?”  
She grinned before repeating her question.  
“Do you wanna take a break? I just finished setting up the TV so we could play Mario Card if you're into that?”  
“Yes, absolutely!” And at the amused expressions he was met with he added, “I mean, sure, sounds good.”  
Phil and Louise laughed at his attempt at playing it cool and once again he couldn't help but join as he sat down on the sofa next to Phil.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.


	2. The First Month

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's first month as Phil and Louise's flat mate in a collection of one shots.

1  
“Nooo! Dammit, I nearly had you!”  
“You wish!”  
“Rematch!”  
Dan knows he should be studying – or at least read some of the texts he is supposed to 'prepare' for his classes next week – but the sofa is just so comfortable and Louise looks so happy whenever she passes him or Phil in Mario Cart. He hesitates for a moment, his conscience catching up with him, but before it can get too loud it is drowned out by the sound of a new race countdown.  
“Not fair!” Dan exclaims, hastily grabbing his controller in order to get his car started in time. His flatmates only react with laughter and when Phil nudges his shoulder playfully, Dan forgives them for their evil plans.  
The studying is soon forgotten.

 

2  
“So, why law?”  
The question is more like an afterthought to Phil's detailed description of why he chose English as his mayor – quite a passionate story about his love for reading and writing that had Dan fall in love with literature himself, even though he isn't actually that much of a reader – and Dan almost thinks he might get away with not answering it.  
But then he feels blue eyes stare at him under raised eyebrows so he sighs before revealing, “To please my parents.”  
He cannot quite read Phil's expression but it certainly seems like that isn’t the answer he expected.  
“Oh.”  
It almost looks like he is personally hurt by Dan's words or at least like they hit him on a much deeper level than Dan would have thought, and for some reason that is just hilarious to Dan.  
Phil's eyes change from sad to confused the second Dan's laughter rings through the kitchen, his mind obviously not prepared for such a sudden change of mood, but this confusion only sparks the other boy's laughter so that it takes a few minutes before he can finally catch his breath.  
“I'm sorry,” he chuckles. “It's just that you look like a hurt puppy when you're sad.”  
For a second, Phil's confusion only increases but then he lets out a chuckle, too, before standing up straight and putting on a deep voice. “I am not a puppy. I am manly and fearless and very, very strong.” He flexes his non-existent biceps and at that point neither one of them can keep it together any longer. When Louise enters the kitchen four minutes later she finds her two flat mates lying on the ground, tears of laughter streaming out of their eyes and their explanations only an incoherent mess - so she decides to join them.

 

3  
When it hasn't been your day or week or month or even your year...  
Dan can hear the tune creeping into his room through the slit under his door and immediately decides that it's time for a study break anyway. Not that he really did anything to deserve that break except maybe stare at the pages in front of him with a blank expression for about fifteen minutes.  
He gets up, shuts the book in the process – he already knows he won't get back to it anytime soon – and makes his way into the living room.  
“Hey, you guys can't watch FRIENDS without...” he freezes as he sees his flat mates cuddled up on the sofa in front of the TV.   
Wow, these two really are close, he thinks.   
Then he says “Sorry, didn't mean to intrude.”   
But Louise and Phil don't even look at him, just gesture for him to be quiet and sit down.   
When he does – with a lot of space between him and the cuddling friends, even though they're all on the same sofa – Phil shoots him a quick look.   
“This is Louise's favourite episode,” he whispers apologetically. “What did you say?”   
“Oh, nothing,” Dan answers, though he cannot help a small blush forming on his cheeks. Phil furrows his brows and it seems like he's about to ask again but then he shrugs and turns towards the TV again.  
It's been a month and Dan is certain now that it's really just friendship between his flat mates but it still feels a little awkward sometimes. Like he is the third wheel.   
Or maybe he is just imagining things.

 

4  
Dan and Louise are spread out on her bed, trying desperately to focus on their studying whilst the sun falls through the window as if to lure them outside. They have lemonade and cookies and even some of Louise's acoustic indie music playing in the background, but somehow Dan just can’t get quite comfortable. Eventually, he puts down his book and looks at her.  
“Hey, Louise?”  
“Mhhmm?” She lowers her papers as well, meeting his eyes.  
“I...I just....” He looks down at her flowery bedsheets. “No, it's stupid, forget it.” And with that he lifts up his book again.  
“Ookayy,” He knows that she isn't convinced, that her eyes are still on him and her mind is racing to figure out what he wanted to say, but he decides that this isn't a conversation he wants to have right now.   
Maybe in another month, when they are closer, when he knows more about her, too.   
Maybe if he can find a context in which the possible implications of his coming out won't be so obvious as he fears they are now, just sitting in the other room.   
Maybe when she asks him about it.  
Why did he think this would be the right moment in the first place?  
He grunts at his own stupidity, which causes another intense gaze from Louise, but he pretends to mark something in his book and soon enough they are back to their silent studying again, the sun burning down even hotter now and the violin in the background sounding more intense as Dan's eyes shift over the words in front of him whilst his mind is distracted but the ones still lying on his tongue.


	3. The Night it Begins

It’s.just.too.hard.  
I.cannot.do.it.

He feels tears running down his cheeks and sobs echoing from the walls of his room, the darkness of which forms a canvas for his cruel self-doubt to paint images of disappointment and failure on.

I.just.can't.

A ghostly sound escapes his lips, leaving behind the feeling of being strangled by his own sorrow.  
That's when he hears it: movement on the other side of the wall opposite his bed.  
Shit.

He looks at the clock on his night stand, the bright digits stinging in his tired eyes. 3am.  
Why is Phil awake?  
He hears steps crossing the room, a door being opened and closed.  
He holds his breath.  
Maybe Phil just has to use the toilet? Or get something to drink?

“Dan?”  
Shit.

The voice is muffled through the door but the worry in it rings loud and clear.  
Dan gulps, quickly wiping away his tears before answering “Yeah?” in a hoarse voice.  
The doorknob moves, a small stripe of light falls across the floor and Phil puts his head through the opening. 

“Can I come in?”  
Dan shuffles to sit up.  
“Yes.”  
The light stripe grows wider before it disappears again.   
The other boy stands in front of Dan's bed, awkwardly fidgeting with the hem of his pyjama shirt, not quite finding the other's eyes in the dark.  
“Why are you still up?” Dan asks, hoping his voice won't betray him too much.  
“Editing.”   
Right.   
Phil had told him about his YouTube channel three days after the move, warning his new flatmate of weird noises coming from his room whilst filming – and of late night editing sessions.  
“What's this week's video?”  
He hadn't told Phil that he'd watched all of his videos the following night, hypnotised by the opportunity to stare at those eyes for hours on end without the fear of being caught.  
“A Q&A. Loads of silences to cut out.”

If only they could cut out the awkward silence that follows.   
After a while of looking around a room that is way too dark to actually see anything, Dan finally clears his throat. “So...”  
“I heard you, Dan,” Phil interrupts.  
Shit.

Whilst Dan is still trying to find a logical explanation for the crying sounds that apparently didn't only fill his own room, Phil sits down on the edge of the bed.  
“What's wrong?”  
His voice is so soft and his concern so real that Dan simply cannot hold it back any longer.  
The tears are rolling again and before he can say anything he already finds himself in Phil's arms, warm fingers running down his back in an attempt to calm him down.  
“It's just so much, Phil,” he whispers between sobs.  
“What is?”  
“Everything.”

He doesn't know how better to explain it but it seems that he doesn't have to because instead of asking more questions the other boy just lift the blanket with one hand – the other one still holding on to Dan – and crawls under them, pulling Dan with him to lie down.  
“Okay?” Phil whispers against his neck, the warm breath sending shivers down his back.  
“Mhmm...Thanks.”  
In response he feels the other's arms pulling him closer.


	4. The Morning After the Day Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like this so far and that you'll enjoy this chapter as well!  
> Again, a massive Thank You to my amazing beta TsingaDark <3

Dan wakes up to the feeling of someone moving next to him.  
“Phil?” His voice sounds tired and his brain protests against the opening of his eyes.  
“Shhh. Go back to sleep, Dan, it's only 5am.”  
The mattress shifts slightly under his weight as Phil moves closer again, letting Dan roll into his side, his arms around him again.   
“Go back to sleep,” Phil whispers once more. Dan snuggles closer, his breathing already slowing down, his own arms lying on the other boy's chest, his fingers unconsciously playing with the neck of his shirt.

The next time Dan awakes, the space next to him is empty. No arms around him, no blue eyes finding his, no warmth or comfort. He groans.  
Did he dream it all?  
But the pillow is dented and the blanket tugged in around him, too neatly to be his own work.  
He closes his eyes again, lets his arms fall over them to block out the light for just one more minute, to imagine Phil was still there.  
It doesn't work but he tries it anyway. Tries to snuggle deeper into his covers, to get the sleepy feeling of safety again, to move back into that perfect moment.  
After a while he gives up.  
His fists are clenching and unclenching in his pillow, his eyes almost burning in desperation.  
Why does it have to be over?  
Why did this one moment of happiness have to end?  
He turns around, faces the wall, gets annoyed at its blankness, feels laughed at by its lack of comfort, turns around again.  
7am.  
He can't sleep any more, but he also cannot bring himself to get up.  
He knows it is hopeless but the idea of Phil coming back for some reason keeps him settled.  
He stares up at the ceiling and bites his lip.  
Confusion finds its way through his dazed state of loss.  
What happened last night?  
What does this mean for them?  
Does it mean anything at all?  
Does Phil leaving mean anything at all?  
Did he leave so it wouldn't?  
So that they wouldn't have to talk about it?  
Can Dan live with that?  
“Coffee?”  
The question takes Dan out of his thoughts so suddenly that he hits his head on the wall behind him as he sits up.  
Phil chuckles, but Dan can see the same questions written on his face, too.  
“Thanks”, he says instead of voicing any of them.  
“No problem.” Phil sits down next to him, overly conscious to keep a distance between them.  
They drink their coffee in silence, looking straight ahead at the end of the bed, the door, their feet. It's like the closeness from last night realised its mistake when the sun came up and now it’s sitting awkwardly in a dark corner of the room, a little monster that is staring at the two boys, wondering if they'll ever address it, if they'll bring it back into the light.  
They don't.  
Not for a long time, at least.  
At some point, Phil opens his mouth and Dan looks at him hopefully, wishing for him to say something, anything, but he closes his mouth again before any words can find their way out and the silence settles back in between them.  
A few minutes later, Dan hands Phil his empty mug to put down on the night stand and when their fingers meet they look at each other for a second, blue meeting brown, the monster in the corner already moving to stand up, to be mentioned, to come back. But Phil turns away and it sits down on the floor again, somehow heavier than before.  
It's only when Phil starts to get out of bed that Dan finally takes action.  
“Phil!”  
It isn't much, barely anything, but it's enough to keep the other boy next to him, to create eye contact again. Silent eye contact, but eye contact nonetheless.  
“Okay”, Phil clears his throat. “Let's talk about it.”  
Dan's heart beats faster and skips a beat at the same time.  
“Okay”, he answers.  
They keep looking at each other, both wishing the other would start but neither certain what to say.  
Finally, Phil makes the first step.“We don't have to… I mean, it doesn't have to be a big deal.”  
“Right.”  
Dan wants to hit himself for how harsh his response sounded, for the dead end it puts to Phil's carefully chosen words.  
He tries again. This time with honesty.“But it kind of is...”  
Phil's eyes leave his for a moment, focus on his fingers that are still clenched around his own mug.“I guess...” He looks back up.“Is that a bad thing?”  
“No!” Dan blushes.  
Maybe the answer came too quickly, maybe it was too strong – but it's the truth.  
They both know it.  
“It wasn't a mistake. It was nice. I....thank you.”  
Now it's Phil's turn to blush.  
“Any time.”  
And in the way he looks at Dan, in the way he doesn't try to escape or to hide the honesty behind his words, in the small smile that has found its way onto his lips, in all that lies the answer to all their questions. Any time. Again.  
Another silence follows, but this one isn't heavy or awkward, it's good. It's a quiet understanding.  
“Hey, Dan?”  
His voice is nothing more than a whisper, careful not to break what they have just created.  
“Mhhm?”  
“If you ever want to talk about, you know, the...reason for last night...”  
The words fade into emptiness, the offer never voiced but clearly there.  
“Yeah. Maybe another time.”  
He can feel those blue eyes looking at him, searching for any signs or for something to say.  
In the end, he only says “Good.” but it's exactly what Dan needed.  
Because there will be another time.


	5. The Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know I've mentioned FRIENDS before but No this is not Dan and Phil doing The Routine...  
> It's basically just fluff.  
> And again, a big thanks to TsingaDark for her beta reading and plot consulting!

The first few nights they spend this way are still a bit awkward, always beginning and ending in complete silence, but they soon get into a kind of routine.  
Most of the time it starts around 2am.   
Dan will lie awake, pondering the meaning of life in general and his in specific when Phil slides through the door to join the younger boy. They often copy their cuddled up position from that first night, but sometimes it is enough for them to just lie next to each other, the presence of another person calming them both down until they fall asleep to the sound of the other's breathing.  
They aren't even always bad nights, not always the hours of darkness when Dan is lost to sorrow and pain and tears. But every time Phil hears him shift around too much or sees light break through from under his door or sometimes even just when he is staying up until 3am, editing again, Phil will come into his room without a word, his arms finding their way around Dan's waist blindly.  
In the mornings, Phil continues to make coffee for them, sometimes bringing it back to bed, sometimes for them to drink on the sofa whilst watching TV or simply standing by the kitchen counter, talking about the day ahead.   
More often than not in these situations, Louise comes out of her bedroom to find her two flatmates in increasingly intimate conversations and just raises an eyebrow at their weird behaviour in such early hours of the day. However, she never says anything, simply smirks and carries on, leaving them to exist in their blissful little bubble.  
Dan likes it, this little script they follow, the way it becomes so natural after a while that he doesn't think twice about lifting his blanket for Phil to climb under.   
He enjoys it so much that he actually catches himself being sad when Phil goes to bed early every once in a while.   
He starts to stay up late on purpose, even when he could have fallen into a coma from exhaustion at 10pm, just to feel the warmth the other boy always brings with him, to share those sacred moments of comfortable vulnerability.   
So yes, maybe he does consider how romantic it is to have a beautiful boy protect him from the demons of the night and maybe he also snuggles closer into Phil's arms once the latter falls asleep – but mostly, he is just really thankful.   
He wouldn't want to mess this up by adding feelings to their delicate arrangement.   
So instead, he simply enjoys Phil's breath tickling his neck and closes his eyes, a smile rushing over his lips before he drifts off into sleep.


	6. The Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You TsingaDark for always being so super quick and helpful with the beta reading, it makes this even more fun <3

It's Saturday morning, 10am, and the three of them sit in their usual breakfast position in front of the TV, Phil and Louise snuggled closely together as always, but by now Dan is included into their tangled limbs, too. They're watching FRIENDS, a tradition that somehow survived even the end of the last season by simply starting over again, and in between each spoon of soggy Lucky Charms they take it in turns to lip sync the show. It's been nearly two months now since Dan ran into his new flat mates in basically the same position and when he looks over at them now he can't help a grin creep onto his lips. They are his friends now. And they are close. Close enough to cuddle, close enough to enjoy cheesy TV shows with, close enough to be comfortable around in his PJs with morning hair. He's never had friends like that before and in this moment, right then and there, he couldn't be happier.  
They continue their little game of acting along even after their totally-healthy breakfast is long gone, none of them willing to get up and actually do something productive. After a while, though, Louise breaks the pattern by commenting, “Gosh, Joey is so hot.”  
“Really? I kinda prefer Chandler...”  
It's an accident. For a second Dan let his guard down, so relaxed in the simplicity of the moment, and the words just slipped out. He sees Louise raise an eyebrow in an amused fashion and Phil stare at him with his mouth wide open, somewhere between being surprised and laughing out loud.  
“Ehm...I mean…,” Dan stumbles over his words, trying to somehow take it back, before realising that it's too late and that, actually, he doesn't really have to.  
So he just sighs, rolls his eyes at himself and says: “Okay, alright, you got me.” He chuckles, a bit dumb folded by the situation he got himself into. This is his first actual coming out. “I'm not exactly straight.”   
A surprised laugh leaves his lips as Louise flings herself at him in what was probably supposed to be a hug but ends up as her smacking him flat onto the sofa, Phil still weirdly tangled between them. Soon, they all find themselves half-lying half-falling-off-the-sofa, their joined laughter drowning out the voices still coming from the TV.   
“...and apparently you have a thing for dorks,” Louise adds once she catches her breath, pointing at Chandler making some weird grimace on the screen. Dan chuckles again and now it is his time to hug his flat mate, letting his chin sit on her blonde curls for a few seconds as she returns his embrace.   
“So, you guys are okay with it?” He asks as he lets go, eyeing them with a flicker of insecurity making its way through the first wave of relief.   
“'Course we are!” Louise exclaims. Dan's smile grows even wider, but as he looks at Phil it falters a bit. The other boy had joined their laughter before, but he hasn't exactly said anything and now Dan thinks he can see something dark in his blue eyes. Is that disgust? Does he regret ever being so close to Dan? Is he weirded out? However, as soon as the thoughts fill his mind, the unknown expression leaves the older guy's face and a goofy grin spreads over his lips. “Hey, don't look at me, I'm queer as one can be. No problems here.” Dan lets out a relieved breath before realising what Phil just said. “Wait, you are?”   
“Yup. No fan of labels though. What about you?”  
He can feel a blush form on his cheeks as he answers: “Ehm, bi, I'd say....”   
“Cool.” Something still seems off in the way Phil looks at him, his smile maybe too big, his eyes maybe too focused, and was that a furrow Dan just saw? No, Phil's cool, everything's good. He came out for the first time ever and it was good. He falls back against the sofa and looks at his friends. “You know, it feels really nice to finally say this. Thank you, guys.”   
Louise takes his hand and Phil pats him on the back, his fingers lingering near his neck for a moment.   
“So, you've never told anyone before?” Louise looks a bit sad at this realisation but when he shakes his head she just pulls him close again and says, “Well, we're glad you told us. And we're proud of you.”   
“Absolutely,” Phil agrees from somewhere behind Louise's hair.  
They stay on the ground in front of the sofa for a few more hours, Dan telling them about his first crush and the way his dad looked at him when he mentioned a guy at dinner when he was ten, the way he always automatically corrected the 'he' to a 'she' afterwards, the way his first kiss with a boy ended up destroying the only really good friendship he ever had because he had to keep it a secret. Phil and Louise listen and then they tell their own stories and somewhere in between all those words Phil gets up and makes hot chocolate with mini marshmallows for them. When they finally get up at around 3pm, Dan's legs feel numb but his heart is glowing in his chest and he spends the rest of the day with a stupid grin in the corner of his mouth, even as he sits down to study.  
He feels free.

And then the evening comes.  
Darkening light fills his room, first pink, then purple, then a deep blue, as the sun sets outside his window. He cuddles up in his bed, the scene of the morning playing over and over in his head, the walls around him not feeling like a cage for once but like a home. He hears Louise leave the kitchen where she'd been studying most of the day, and go to bed as well. Phil hasn't come back yet, the door to his room still open like it always is when he spends hours on end in the library because it creeks quite loudly and he doesn't want to wake the others when he eventually gets back. So thoughtful, so Phil. Of course, most of the time he ends up in Dan's bed anyway, but it's the thought that counts.  
Around 11:30 Dan hears keys and and movements, his breath going uneven for a second as he waits for the older boy to come into his room. But then there's the creek next door, the sound of a lock closing and a few minutes later the rustling of covers as Phil gets into his own bed.  
Disappointment awakes in Dan's heart, but before it can grow he quickly argues with himself that the other boy is probably just very tired from studying or that he thought Dan was already asleep and didn't want to wake him or that maybe Dan wouldn't need him after such a positive day. He is considerate like that, Dan thinks and pushes the upcoming negativity aside. Right, that's probably it. And they already had a lovely time this morning. He recalls every eye-contact, every brush of fingertips and every shared smile and decides that he has nothing to worry about. After all, there have been nights spent alone before this, it's not like they have been together every quiet hour since the first time.   
The content smile finds its way back onto his lips and he closes his eyes, falling asleep to the warmth of the morning's events and the hope that Phil will be next to him tomorrow.


	7. The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the final chapter *badadadam badadadadam* and it's suupeer emotionla and fluffy :D  
> A billion THANK YOUs to TsingaDark for taking the time to correct all my stupid mistakes and thank you so much, everyone who read this - I hope you enjoyed it <3

But Phil isn't next to Dan the following night. Nor the one after.  
Phil doesn't lie next to Dan for five nights and whilst the younger boy doesn't think much of it at first, he starts to feel lonely during the third night, his single student bed suddenly entirely too big for just himself. The darkness filling his room is somehow darker than usual and the numbers on his clock telling him that he stayed up until 4 am again – a time he used to look forward to so much – now just feel accusing, almost mocking of his stupid rest of hope. That little bit of security that he cannot get rid of, even as he spends the millionth time rolling over in his bed because he can't fall asleep any more without strong arms holding him, that certainty that eventually Phil will come back. It stays with him until the morning of the third day.  
He walks into the kitchen feeling like a zombie, not only from the lack of sleep but also from the amount of studying he has to do whilst constantly asking himself what's wrong with his flat mate. And then he sees said flat mate, already sitting at the kitchen counter at 6am with a cup of coffee and circles under his eyes that fit Dan's mood. And something inside of him snaps. He doesn't shout, although he really wants to. Instead, he ignores the other boy while he pours himself a cup of coffee as well and then sits down next to him at the counter.  
“Couldn't sleep?” he asks, his tone as neutral as possible, his eyes fixed on the mug in his hand. Why is this so difficult? They used to talk about everything, why is it now so weird to talk at all? That's when he realises that they haven't really talked at all for the past few days. Weird. Everything's weird.  
“Hmmmm,” comes the indefinite answer next to him which he interprets as a yes.  
The silence that follows is only interrupted by coffee slurps and some clicking sounds from Phil's laptop – probably editing again or something like that.  
Dan looks up at the older boy, takes in his worn out expression in the dim glow from the screen, the way he avoids any eye contact, the way he doesn't even seem to notice the eyes on him, and makes a decision.  
“Maybe we'd both sleep better if you came back...”  
It isn't more than a whisper, almost ghostly in the quiet early morning, but it feels heavy as he says it.  
Apparently, Phil felt it too because he finally meets his eyes, his own widened and restless as he tries to hide the effect Dan's words have on him.  
They glare at each other for a few more moments and at some point Dan almost thinks they're okay again because he notices the corner of Phil's mouth curling up, and his eyes go softer as he starts to relax. But then the older boy closes up again, tears his eyes away and fixes them at the screen in front of him again, his shoulders stiff, his lips a thin line.  
Dan sighs.“Can you at least tell me what it is? Did I do something wrong?”  
The other boy doesn't look up but he can still see how he shuts his eyes for a few second, a gesture of defeat.  
“No, of course not. It's got nothing to do with you. It's just....well, it just didn't feel right any more, okay? Sorry.”  
He had hoped an explanation would make it easier to accept but all it does is bring tears into his eyes that he tries with all his willpower to suppress. This isn't right. This isn't them.  
“Why not?”  
“I don't know, man, it just doesn't.” He hears the annoyance in Phil's voice and knows something is off. Phil doesn't get annoyed. Ever. What isn't he telling him?  
“But...”  
He doesn't even know how to finish the sentence, doesn't know how to express his desperation.  
He quickly wipes away a single tear that has made its way across his cheek with the corner of his pyjama jumper.  
Phil still looks at his laptop as if it was the most important thing in the world.  
“Can you at least stop ignoring me?” Now it is Dan who's annoyed. What did he do to deserve this, what did he do for Phil to treat him like this? He feels the anger starting to bubble up inside of him, his cheeks now burning with the left over traces of wet crystals.  
The other boy takes a deep breath before turning toward him, his fingers still resting on his keyboard, ready to start clicking away as soon as this unfortunate conversation is dealt with.  
“I'm not ignoring you, Dan. I've got work to do.”  
Something in the carelessness of his words takes the heat out of Dan. He isn't even annoyed any longer, he just treats him like a little child.  
He gets up, takes his cup and is about to leave the room when his voice starts to act on its own.  
“Alright then, I won't disturb you any longer. Just let me know when you're done being a biphobic piece of shit.”  
He has no idea where the words came from but when he finally sees emotions on Phil's shocked face he turns away with satisfaction and goes back to his room. If this is how Phil wants to handle this, fine. But two can play this game and Dan sure as hell won't let anyone make him feel this alone, not even someone he considered his best friend only a week ago.

So, two more days pass with the two boys avoiding each other at all costs.  
Dan feels a little sorry for Louise who has no idea why her friends won't talk to each other all of a sudden, but he is persistent on not giving in first. He already made a move to make things okay again, but Phil pushed him away so now it's his turn. That is, if Phil actually does want things to be better, which at the moment, it doesn't look like, what with him leaving the room as soon as Dan enters or completely ignoring him if they ever do happen to share the same space.  
Dan still cuddles up to his cushion until late at night, he still misses the presence of someone there, someone who saves him from the world outside and the dark thoughts inside of him, someone who lends him their warmth when his mind goes numb. But obviously Phil doesn't want to be that person so he will just have to deal with that. It's not like he hadn't managed before their joined nights. He hadn't slept much and sometimes not at all, but he had been fine overall and he will be again. It just takes some time.  
“Dan?”  
Louise's tone tells him that she probably isn't addressing him for the first time as he snaps out of his daydreams and back into the reality in which the two of them are sat at the kitchen counter whilst Phil is playing Mario Cart in the living room. He has got his headphones on so Dan cannot hear the soundtrack, but the screen tells him that the older one has just scored first place at rainbow road against a group of strangers. If they were still friends they would play this together, blocking each other's view and shouting joking insults to make the other one laugh too hard to play.  
He sighs.  
“Daaan?”  
Right, Louise. Reality. No friends with Phil.  
“What? Sorry...”  
“That's okay, I was just asking if you wanted another cup of tea?”  
“Oh, right...yes, thank you.”  
He forces himself not to look over to the living room again but down at the cup as she pours hot water over his tea bag.  
After she’s put the cattle away and sat down again, she follows his earlier line of view before smiling at him in a half-knowing half-apologetic kind of way.  
“You're still not talking then?”  
Dan simply shrugs and takes a careful sip of the liquid he knows is still too hot to actually drink.  
“I know it's a tough topic but what exactly happened with you two? You were all buddy-like and happy.”  
“Yeah, we were....”  
He risks a shoulder glance at the TV but turns right back to Louise before he can get lost in wishes and memories again. Despite the heat he does take another sip of tea, mainly to stall time since his friend – his only remaining friend by the looks of it – is still looking at him, waiting for an answer.  
“I don't really know Louise. He just stopped...” He shuts his mouth. Shit, he can't finish that sentence. It's not like he's ashamed for the nights he spent with Phil, but he also doesn't want Louise to know about them. They remain his secret, his happy memory even after this horrible week, and he doesn't want to share those with anyone.  
So instead he goes on with “...he stopped talking to me. I asked him what was going on but he just won't say anything. For god's sake, he doesn't even look at me!”  
He is aware that he raised his voice and is glad that Phil has got his headphones on. The last thing he needs is for the other boy to overhear how desperately he wants things to be normal again.  
His fingers curl around the mug as if it were his lifeline, as if everything would magically turn out okay if only he holds on tight enough.  
“I'm sorry, Dan. I know this is hard for you, I didn't mean to remind you....”  
There's that knot in his stomach again, the one that always appears when someone gets worried about him, so he forces a smile onto his lips.  
“No no, don't be sorry Lou. It's not your fault. I'm just sorry you're in the middle of all this.”  
Her fingers find his before the words have even left his mouth completely.  
She doesn't respond but she doesn't have to. They both know what the other is thinking, simply by looking at the lines on their faces, the shimmer in their eyes. They both hate this.

It's the fifth night Dan has to spend alone. By now he is actually used to the cold, it's just the darkness he still can't deal with, so he stays on his phone until the early hours of the morning when the sunrise starts to lighten up his room enough for him to close his eyes.  
3:47am.  
There are no sobs like the time when Phil first climbed into his bed. Only the sound of sharp, uneven breaths through the wall and blankets being shifted around again and again. Maybe Phil just has a bad dream. But then he hears the whispered curses, the muttered 'dammit' followed by another heavy breath. He's definitely awake. But what is making him so frustrated? Is he editing? Dan listens intensely, but there is no typing or clicking. He turns around so that he is facing the wall and tries to ignore the sounds, but his mind keeps wondering what is happening in the other room.  
Phil stands up and sits back down. Phil sighs. Phil mutters words that Dan cannot make out through the wall between them, but they sound helpless. Phil whimpers. Wait, what?  
Dan listens closely, focusing on the exact point he imagines his flat mate to be right now, trying to figure out if it could have been anything else. No, it's a clear sound, a quiet but heartfelt whimper that mixes in with the older boy's heavy breathing.  
And that's when Dan makes a decision. He gets up, walks out of his room and stands in front of Phil's door before his mind has a chance to catch up with his movements.  
He opens the door hesitantly.  
“Phil?”  
Immediate silence.  
“Are you okay?”  
No response. Silence. Heavy silence that lies between them in the dark.  
“Sorry...I just....I'll go.”  
He is already closing the door when he hears a whispered “Don't.”  
His arm stops but he isn't quite able to move back inside, to break that barrier between them.  
“Please don't,” comes Phil's voice again and this time he can see him, can make out his shadow on the bed, small and fragile and lost.  
He takes a step into the room, then another one and another one until his feet meet the bed.  
Through the darkness surrounding them he can see Phil's face, his expression crumpled and his eyes locked to Dan's.  
Slowly Phil moves to make place for him on the bed and just as slowly Dan sits down.  
The silence is back.  
Silence and uneven breaths that sound even heavier now that they are so close.  
Suddenly, Phil speaks. His voice isn't a whisper any more but something in it still sounds broken.  
“I'm so sorry.” Something glitters on his face and Dan realises it's tears. “God, Dan, I am so so sorry.”  
Somehow, that's all it takes.  
Their arms find each other, their bodies find the mattress and only a few seconds later they are in the same position they grew so used to, the same closeness they had just a week ago.  
Phil is still crying, long fingers now stroking his hair and small sounds of reassurance filling the air around them.  
“It's okay, I'm here now. It's okay.”  
They stay like this for about half an hour, Dan holding Phil like the other boy used to hold him.  
After a while the breathing grows more rhythmic and the tears stop flowing. Dan feels his hand being moved away from the other's head, feels a distance of bare inches being created.  
He looks up into blue eyes that hold his gaze long enough to make it count before they lower themselves to the space between their bodies.  
“It's not though. It's not okay.”  
The words surprise him but he knows they are true.  
“No, it isn't.”  
There's that damn silence again, always finding them, always binding them under its spell until someone finds the courage to break it.  
Once again, this someone is Dan.  
“Phil, what happened?”  
The chuckle that follows doesn't fit the scene, it's too obscure to be real in this situation.  
“Honestly? I just freaked. I was an idiot and I freaked.”  
Phil's words sound amused, even though his voice tells a completely different story.  
“What do you mean, you freaked? Why?”  
Blue meets brown and this time it stays.  
“Well, when you told us you're bi, I got kinda worried.”  
Dan feels an abrupt movement going through his body, a movement that broadens the distance between himself and Phil.  
“You got worried because I'm bi?!”  
There's a flicker in the blue eyes as they open more widely.  
“No, no! Well, yes, but not in the way you think...I got worried that what I had done was wrong, that sleeping in your bed, coming into your room that first night, was a mistake. Not because you're bi but because I'm..well, whatever I am. I got worried that I had done it for all the wrong reasons because when you came out my first thought was that maybe you enjoyed those nights as much as I did and that maybe you'd even realised you're bi because of that and that maybe we could....and then I thought about what I was thinking and I was so shocked because there you are, obviously with a lot on your mind and a lot of dark problems that you just needed someone to help you with and I happened to be that one but I wasn't helping because I wanted to help but because I thought it would bring us closer and I just...I got worried that I was abusing my position as your friend.”  
Dan had listened patiently to this ramble, cautious but still interested as to what was the reason for the older boy's strange behaviour. But he hadn't expected this.  
“What?! Are you serious?”  
He doesn't even get to finish before Phil goes on.  
“Yes! I was supposed to be there for you, not try to get together with you. And I just thought what if you grow depended on these nights, on me, and then I tell you how I feel and you do whatever I want because you want me to stay and I know you're not weak or anything but, Dan, this stuff happens all the time and you probably wouldn't even have noticed and I would have just kept it up because you're so damn beautiful and instead of helping you I would have ruined everything and I just couldn't deal with that so I stopped coming over but god, I miss you so much and I'm so sorry but I don't want to abuse...”  
“Phil! Phil, calm down!”  
By now the older boy is a complete mess again, his breathing all over the place and his eyes rapidly skipping through the darkness.  
“Phil, look at me.”  
Dan's hand finds Phil's shoulder, from there his neck and his collarbone, and his hand urges him to meet his eyes.  
“Calm down, okay? You haven't abused anything.”  
“But..”  
“No. Listen to me, okay? I want you to take slow breaths and focus on my words. You haven't done anything wrong. You were there for me when I needed you. The only thing you should have done differently was talk to me instead of randomly cutting me out.”  
“I know, I'm so sorry.”  
“Shhh, hey, it's alright, I understand. Now, on to everything you said in that waterfall of words...”  
Phil's breathing grows more steady and his eyes focus on Dan in a shy manner.  
“Do you really mean all of that? Do you really think I'm beautiful?”  
He sees the other boy's brows shoot up in surprise.  
“That's what you take away from all of that?!”  
Dan grins, his hand still on the older boy's collarbone where his fingers now start to circle his chin and the light trace of shaved hair at his chin.  
“Yes,” he answers simply. “Because I did enjoy those nights as much as you apparently did. I waited for you to open my door every night. Do you have any idea how hard it has been to fall asleep without your arms around me these past few days? And that has nothing to with your power over me or whatever. It's because you, Phil Lester, are an amazing person. Do you know what I though that first day we met?”  
“No,” Phil's eyes are still opened wide, his cheeks warm from Dan's touch.  
“I thought that I was gonna die, living with such a gorgeous guy in my flat, having to see you every day and probably never being able to tell you how you make my heartbeat stop every time you enter the room.”  
“Really?” Phil's voice comes in a heavy whisper, his lips suddenly a lot closer to Dan's than they were just a minute ago. Dan can't remember who had moved first.  
“Yeah, really,” he answers before closing the gap, his lips meeting Phil's softly, shyly. It's a short kiss and when Phil moves away he asks, “Are you sure?”  
In response Dan leans in again and this time the kiss is more confident, Phil's mouth opening almost immediately with a moan that sends shivers all over Dan's body.  
When they break apart a minute later Dan cannot help but laugh.  
“What?” Phil asks confused, his face still blushed from their heated connection.  
“Sorry, it's just...only you could get this worried to hurt someone. Like, honestly, only you could make up such an elaborate scenario in your head.”  
Dan still chuckles and Phil joins him, his fingers finding their way to the younger boy's hair and playing with his curls as he answers: “Sorry for being such a weirdo.”  
Dan smiles at him and gives him another short peck on the lips before saying: “Don't be. I wouldn't wanna have you any other way.”


End file.
